This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
