wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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