If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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