I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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