If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
