Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My bed smells like the plague
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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