Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
