im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
