so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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