when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
