i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Your cock deserves a montage
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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