does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
