I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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