Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
