apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
