the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
