1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
