Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
