Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
