she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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