i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
