Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
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So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
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I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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