Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We need a shit load of segways right now
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
