Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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