hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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