Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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