Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
