I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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