OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
