You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
