I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
