just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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