If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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