I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
