the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Randomize
