I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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