sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
