I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
