May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
