I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
