what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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