I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
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So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You pole danced in your parka.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
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i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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