Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
well you can't waste a boner
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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