I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
