I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
