I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
