I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
