And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
