God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
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Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
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My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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