I wish I could punch you in the face.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
