I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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