once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
