Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
