i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
