I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
